IT IS WHAT IT IS

The day-to-day minutiae of life doesn't typically bring about enlightenment or evolution. It's the big stuff that does it. It's the major life decisions that are borne out of the deep asks - freedom, simplicity, change - that create an opportunity for growth.

Our life had been begging for change, for evolution since last summer and it was fulfilled to a degree when our children finally left home, one after another. Then it was rational that we would want to downsize and create our own space, just for us.

Circumstances presented themselves that seemingly provided that opportunity and then hit a brick wall and we were required to pivot, HARD, and we began seeking a new direction that once again, was dropped effortlessly in our lap.

We followed the breadcrumbs and took each step on purpose, looking at every conceivable angle.

In doing so, we did things that we had always said we either wouldn't or would feel very uncomfortable - getting rid of our STUFF. Things that identified us, determined our worth or had sentimental value. We were more than willing to let go for the opportunity for CHANGE. It was really a requirement to get to where we saw ourselves going. Would we have done it otherwise? NO.

We have found ourselves at a fork in the road, a road of no return and great risk and after looking at every single angle and potential, it has become clear to us that there is something that we cannot see that is preventing this from happening.

We know that there will come a day, hopefully in the near future, where it will become obvious why this has all happened, but it's a true test of faith that we must surrender and allow.

We have 10 days left before we will no longer be able to back out of the builder contract and receive our deposit back. Having a solid deadline gives us a sense of control and peace of mind. The house will be listed for the next 10 days to allow for the potential of a sale. The market is completely dead in our area - nothing is moving in our price points.

When June 14th comes, we will remove the house from the market, cancel our contract and order the PODS to be delivered to be unpacked.

Heath says prayers every time he drives by a local church in the morning on his way to the gym and he told me Saturday that his daily prayer was not so much that the house sells, it was for the anxiety, anger and frustration that has been eating me alive to be taken from me and for me to be at peace.

Prayers answered!

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and praying for us throughout this process. We are eternally grateful.

We are also so grateful for what this experience has provided us - with the simplicity of living that we so desperately needed, the willingness to let go of not only stuff but outcomes. The depth of our connection to God and one another has grown even deeper and we have absolutely no regrets!

Life is a game and we're all just running the bases.

This was my post on Facebook to explain to our friends and family what was going on in our lives to preempt the inevitable explanation of why, once again, we are having to “flip flop” on our plans.

Luckily, in that moment of clarity, I was able to unearth grace from the depths of my being and see all of it from a broader perspective.

It was fleeting!

I AM PISSED! Still!

I AM DISAPPOINTED!

I AM FRUSTRATED – my daughter’s favorite word.

I have lost faith in my ability to read the energies around me.

I have lost confidence in my intuition to lead me.

Everything I’ve ever learned about the Laws of Universe failed me miserably.

I shook my fist at God and screamed, “WTF?”

I went through some of the five stages of grief – depression, ANGER (lots of it), bargaining, and then begrudging acceptance. (Never felt denial, one of the stages – not really in my nature to deny much of anything. I am a very “black and white” person – IT IS WHAT IT IS)

Once we had reached “acceptance” (kicking and screaming), we cancelled the contract and pulled our house of the market. We were faced with having to bring ALL of our belongings back into the house and figure out how to start all over again in our existing home.

Let me backtrack – our real estate agent suggested that it was best to remove all things that personalized our house and declutter so that house showed as empty as possible. Give me a task and I’ll do it and more. I got to packing our house, all three levels and only left what I felt we would need in the next month or so. Let’s just say I went a little overboard and ended up having to buy things (shoes, jewelry, cookie sheets/cake pans) because I had packed them.

I ordered a 16 ft Pod to be delivered and once I saw the enormity of what we had boxed up, I realized that we would need two. Thankfully my intuition didn’t fail me then, because it ended up that we filled both to the brim!

I had also decided that the new house would look very different than our current home – whites, blue, gold – my daughter refers to it as "Coastal Grandma”. I looked it up, it’s a thing!

So that meant that most of what I had (art, knick knacks, rugs, accent furniture) would not be used in the new house so there was no need to pack them. I asked the ladies from my Bunco group in my neighborhood if they wanted anything and they came over and cleared me out! I was so thankful! Once the house sold, I had a list of everything else that was left and who would be taking it.

Heath was excited about designing a new office set up so he very happily threw out his huge glass L-shaped desk and shelves and took up residence in my office while we waited for the house to sell.

We gave away Heath’s brand-new pellet/Blackstone grill since it was too big for the new house, with plans to build an outdoor kitchen on the bottom patio.

We gave away the large custom sectional that was in the basement that we’ve had for over 20 years since we wouldn’t have anywhere to put it in the new house.

I purchased artwork, rugs, kitchen items, bedding and had a huge Pinterest board of all the amazing ways I was going to decorate the new house.

We were completely divorced from our home and ready for the new one.

Are you beginning to see why this was such a pain in the arse?

Now, anyone who knows me will understand the angst I felt having given away the vast amount of art and décor that created the personality of my home and the emptiness that it created within me and my environment.

Our home is an extension of us – it defines us. Interior design is one of my favorite things and there’s nothing that brings me more joy than to create a beautiful environment for myself and others to enjoy.

Here I am, walls, shelves and corners are bare and I’ve got to figure out how to put my house back together with what’s left of my décor to attempt to recreate the home that I can feel comfortable and proud of.

That’s when the panic set in.

I can remember waking up every night around 1am, desperate for certain pieces of art back that were prominent in my living room. I would search the internet for replacements, only to find that nothing existed that could easily take their place or that if they did, they would cost a small fortune.

I felt such shame even considering asking my girlfriends for my things back – how could I? But the cost of having to replace accent furniture and art work was becoming more and more costly. We had already spent a huge amount of money on the home repairs and packing/storage and movers, and adding this new expense was about to break me.

Most of my dear girlfriends were more than willing to bring back anything that I asked for and for that I am so very grateful. It made the transition back into our house so much easier. The empty holes that were left by what was not returned caused me to have to really reach down and figure out what I wanted my “new” home to reflect.

Although that was very uncomfortable, I am grateful for that experience as well.

A very dear friend, Sharon, who always gives me the most profound advice right when I need it, said “You aren’t the same person you were when you bought that stuff. Let it go and fill your house with things that reflect who you are NOW.”

She was right! I was clinging to the old me, the past. It was easier to just go back to what was known and comfortable and accepted instead of having to reinvent my surroundings.

So, I sat in my reading chair, holding the Tree of Life tapestry pillow from Stirling Castle in Scotland and said to myself “THIS is what resonates with me.” Thanks to technology, I was able to take a picture of the pillow and use Google Lens to search for like items. It took me straight to the Stirling Castle online store where I bought the pillow and table runners that were already in use in my dining room and I perused the wall tapestries and found two that I liked.

This has become the new esthetic in several rooms in the house and I can tell you it feels more grounded and comforting to me and to others who have been in the house since our “return”.

While we were busy unpacking, at this point, what was about 100 boxes (still have 100+ more to go) we started to have what I can only call “physical breakdowns” in the house. It was as if the house itself was trying to recalibrate. It could have been a build-up of all of our negative energy, who knows. Within one week, the AC unit in the attic began to leak water down into the wall, causing a bubbling that I spotted as I was getting ready to hang picture. Next came the hot water heater stopping completely while I was in the middle of a shower and then a huge tree limb fell on the back patio, taking out all of our string lights with glass scattered everywhere.

I figured we were in the clear after the “it comes in threes” but the days before the 4th of July with temperatures in the low 100’s, the main AC unit stopped cooling. It took 5 days to get someone out to determine what the issue was and thankfully it was an easy and cheap fix.

Then our youngest adult child (27), who left home 9 months ago for what we had hoped was the last time, informed us that he would have to come home because he was becoming suicidal in his current environment. We had ceremoniously thrown out all of his furniture when he moved as a symbol that this would be his launch into adulthood, so back to the store to buy an inflatable queen bed (easy to deflate and take when he leaves again), bedding, small kitchen appliances and storage for his clothes.

Needless to say, we were cooked. “Stick a fork in me, I’m done!”

Oh, I almost forgot – while all of this is going on, my husband goes to a routine cardiologist appointment and they scare the hell out of him (and me) telling him that they see a change in his EKG and they are concerned that he may have another blockage and want to order a cardiac catheterization. He’s one year out from the last heart attack that almost made me a widow and here we are being told that he needs to be catheterized again!

He explains that he has business travel and family vacation coming up in three weeks and he would need to ensure that this procedure can be done before then – “oh sure, we will be able to get this done in the next few weeks”…

FOUR WEEKS LATER (said in the narrator’s voice from Sponge Bob)

He gets on the books four weeks after his appointment – four weeks of wondering if he could drop dead at any moment; Living in constant fear that something new is wrong. At this point, we are forced to either ask for a prescription for Xanax, or just accept that “It is what it is”.

So that is what we are doing.

There’s a quote from Charles Darwin –

 “It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.”

That must be it – this was a test of endurance, of being able to take the hits and keep getting up.

Great. Fine. I’ll accept that.

I’d welcome a break – thank you so much.

Fingers crossed – so far, so good.

Next week is our annual Grandparent Vacation with Sophia and we are headed to Coastal Maine, a place we’ve never been and really looking forward to the change of scenery. We will be living in the moment, enjoying nature and going with the flow.

Sophia has insisted - Only two things firm on the schedule – everything else is negotiable. She’s been our greatest teacher of living in the NOW and after all that we’ve been through, we have no choice but to go along.

So, the question I’ve asked myself and I’m sure you are asking is:

 “What have you learned throughout this six-month long ordeal?”

·        You can’t always get what you want, no matter how hard you try.

·        Even with all good intentions, things can stall or turn on a dime without warning.

·        No matter how well you think you know how things work, you have absolutely NO control over an outcome.

·        Sometimes the only solution, to save your sanity, is to SURRENDER.

·        Times like these are when you find out who your friends truly are.

·        Your energy (your emotions/intentions) most definitely affect your environment.

·        Sometimes your intuition can be wrong or misguided.

·        Even when you feel lost or careening out of control, you will land safely on soft ground as long as you don’t fight the fall.

·        Life is just a game and we’re all just players on the field of life. Sometimes you get hit in the face with the ball and sometimes you hit a grand slam.

·        IT IS WHAT IT IS!