top of page

I had to decide if I wanted to live or die

Grief can come out of the blue and punch you in the gut without warning. Happened to me yesterday. It's been almost a year since my best friend, Lyra, passed from this life and a Netflix series got a little too close to home and broke open the wound. I thought I had fairly successfully processed my grief from her death and yet, here we are, in a puddle of tears that cannot be held back.

With all these jagged feelings tearing at my soul, I find myself taking inventory of all of the uncomfortable emotions that are raising their hands to be heard. It's like lifting a scab off of a festering wound and the pus just erupts to the surface.

"Is this where I thought I would be at this stage of my life?"

"Is this ALL I am?"

"Do I even know how to feel Joy anymore?"

"Isn't there more to life than THIS?"

"What's the point if I have no other purpose?"

"Do I even have the energy or desire to start something new?"

"The fucking world is broken; can it even be fixed?"

and on and on and on......

I was feeling the impulse to write something and opened Word on my computer and a file dated several years ago was at the top of the list. Strange...I've created hundreds of documents since then so why would it be at the top. The title of the document stopped me in my tracks - "I have to decide if I want to live or die". This period of time was after my hospitalization and prolonged recovery. Here is what I wrote:

I have to decide if I want to live or die…

Here I am presented with another “exit point” and I find myself truly questioning whether I want to take it.

What exactly am I living for? What purpose does my life have? What possibilities are left for me? In this world? How much effort or energy do I want to expend to create yet another life here?

I feel the detachment that I know my mother felt when she was dying. It’s a strange and surreal place to be.

I feel a general state of apathy.

My kids are raised. Sophie doesn’t need me anymore. Heath is a recluse and spends all his time behind his computer. I just exist. Cooking, cleaning, paying bills. That can all be automated or hired out.

Maybe death is the ultimate freedom.

I just don’t know.

My life is not my own.

I’ve accomplished a lot in my 50 years. I have no regrets. There’s not much I haven’t experienced emotionally on this plane. Deep love, great sadness.

I always knew that when I turned 50 my life would change/morph. Death and detachment is the greatest change. It is an option. Takes far less energy than to maintain this existence.

I don’t know if I have the energy or desire to fight for this life anymore.

This is not depression. I don’t feel suicidal. It’s a choice point. It’s reality. It’s full awareness of all that is.

What exactly would I be living for? The needs of others? Or myself? I see NOTHING in my future. It is blank and void. Just more of the same and that’s not enough.

Yeshua, you see all and know my destiny. Help me to either let go or give me inspiration to stay here...

Evidence that this is a recurrent theme for me...not just for me, but my ancestry as well. My mother, in the rare moments of vulnerability shared such thoughts. Her correspondences with her sisters and best friend also touched on this theme from time to time, but with more frequency as she entered her 50's. She always told me she would never get old - and she was right. She left this world one month after her 59th birthday. I have to wonder if her mother suffered from the same feelings of "being in this world, but not of it"?

All I know about my maternal grandmother was that she had been an alcoholic and scared the hell out of me the one time I met her. I was no more than 5 years old and all I can remember was hiding under the kitchen table with her Standard Poodle. My grandmother was little in stature but her energy was intimidating. There was no warm and fuzzy grandma energy - it was repressed rage from what I recall, from the viewpoint of a little girl. I do remember my mother telling me that her mother's life was hard (as was most in late 1800's and early 1900's.) She was incredibly intelligent and strong-willed, which during those times would have been torturous. How much of her life was her own? I'm not sure of her exact age, but she passed in her early sixties from cancer. It wasn't much longer after my ONE visit to meet her. I must have been picking up on her emotional energy prior to her leaving this incarnation.

I've never really thought about how deeply this thread must run through my maternal lineage. Am I having this realization NOW to finally once and for all clear it so that my daughter and granddaughter won't have to wrangle with it?

I'm kinda speechless right now...what a huge epiphany!

So, the big question is "How do I go about clearing this energetic imprint so that it can end with me?"

My logical brain is seeking out a common denominator in our combined lives - hyper intelligent, felt that talents were wasted or not utilized at all due to having no control over their lot in life, couldn't stomach the atrocities of the world around them, felt unfulfilled, had no control over their lives...

I really have to ask myself how much of the above has been or is currently true in my life?

Quite a bit, actually but certainly not to the degree that it was in their lives.

How much of what I am feeling is mine or just an imprint of my Ancestral trauma?

The answers to these questions are almost irrelevant. Does it really matter? What matters is the awareness of such things and the desire to affect a change.

There's an inherent fear in stepping outside of comfort zones; to make decisions that can impact others around you. There are expectations that others have of you, as a mother, wife, sister, friend...and the unrelenting pressure of those obligations that weigh on you as you wish to step outside of yourself and explore new possibilities. I think this is what paralyzes so many of us from spreading our wings to become who we have the potential to BE. It certainly has for me. I have been gifted with a wonderful husband who has always supported my freedom-loving and creative nature, who has always told me "Do what you want!' and I have to some degree.

But there is always that invisible ceiling that we hit, just high enough to convince you that you've reached something beyond your expectations but holds you just shy of ultimate satisfaction. I liken it to putting a baby in a playpen with toys or a dog in a fenced backyard. Just enough room to run but not too far. Or better yet, the movie The Truman Show - yes, that's exactly it. That's life on this planet! Stay within the lines, it's all secretly orchestrated and controlled. When he "wakes" up and sees the Matrix for what it is, he begins to seek out the fence line of his confined yard to escape. I can see the scene when he crashes the sailboat into the concrete wall, finds the hidden staircase and opens the door and says his famous catchphrase "In Case I Don't See Ya, Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Goodnight."

Is that what the purpose of this life on Earth is all about? To seek the outer edges of our "reality" to find the way out? To overcome the built-in limitations? Christof, the Creator of the Made for TV life Truman is living for viewers to watch 24/7, makes a profound statement: "We Accept the Reality of The World with Which We're Presented. It's As Simple as That." It's so true, isn't it? We have become willing addicts to the precisely orchestrated REALITY that we are fed all day, every day on social media. Maybe Christof is still in charge and we are all Truman?

I digress...

I feel a new mission - a mission to break this generational curse. To find a way to create the life that would entice my soul to want to stay for a while longer. To get out of my own way to allow my higher self to "manifest that shit". To not be afraid to make mistakes or upset the apple cart. A life worth living requires throwing caution to the wind and having faith that the wind will catch you as you jump off the cliff. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and paying taxes, so sometimes you've just got to say "FUCK IT" and jump!

I'll be working up the about you?

68 views0 comments


bottom of page